December 29, 2006, Washington, DC -- In another 360-degree about-face, the Bush Administration ("What do you mean we denied 'global warming'? We were always against it, and still are.") indirectly acknowledged the natural disaster it has spent 6 crucial years vigorously abetting when the Interior Department proposed Wednesday to designate polar bears as a threatened species, saying that the accelerating loss of the Arctic ice that is the bears’ hunting platform has led biologists to believe that bear populations will decline, perhaps sharply, in the coming decades.
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"It was either swim with the polar bears, or my 'legacy' was going to be ‘swimming with the fishes’, heh-heh," the poll-plummeting Chief Executive explained today with his characteristic, inappropriate-nervous villain’s chuckle. "Karl said my reputation was about to be absolutely shredded. Like those itty-bitty pieces of fish they throw in the ocean to catch bigger ones with, you know, whadaya call it?"
"Chum!" one reporter shouted brightly.
"Hey!" the President snarled, "Just cause I'm chatting with you folks is no excuse to get over-familiar. In any case, this move is completely in keeping with my administration’s long-standing approach to disasters, both natural and man-made, and that is to first miss the boat, then sink it and then to pretend we were always on-board. Now if you've got any more questions, ask Tony. He's the High Commissioner of Snow around here."
In a conference call with reporters, Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne went on to say that although the decision to seek protection for polar bears acknowledged the melting ice, his department was not taking a position on why the ice was melting or what to do about it.
"Some folks have said when you've got melting ice make gin-and-tonics!" Kempthorne elaborated. "No one in this administration, of course. Or any longer in this administration."
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