Obama Wins Cy Young & MVP in National League

"I'm humbled," The President said today when he heard of the announcements, "I'm honored, and I have to say I do think, in this case, the Cy Young, at least, is premature. " Off the record a surprised White House Staffer was heard to say, "What the 'eff'? Who's the American League going with, C.C. Sabathia?"

On the heels of the Nobel Peace Prize, an undeniable momentum seems to be building for the newbie Prez. At Harrah's, a representative for the Sports Book said it was, in his view, unprecedented. "I have to tell you, we haven't even made our book yet. But moving into the awards season, unofficially, he's odds-on to win Best Director, I shit you not."

Vegan: Won't Eat Anything That Has A Facebook Page

Creature from Vega

Given it's deeply held conviction about the sanctity of life, this visitor from a neighboring solar system has vowed NOT to eat social networkers. Weekdays.

Vega, of course, is the brightest star in the constellation Lyra, the fifth brightest star in the night sky and the second brightest star in the northern celestial hemisphere, after Arcturus. It is a relatively nearby star at only 25 light-years from Earth, and, together with Arcturus and Sirius, one of the most luminous stars in the Sun's neighborhood.

So, it really makes a lot of sense that a being from Vega might take such a stance.

What is more surprising perhaps is what this reseacher discovered on his own:

RAPIDLY SPINNING STAR HAS COOL DARK EQUATOR

That's right, good diet can really make a difference in your appearance. And one thing it effects is your waist. If you're cutting down on fat calories stay away from empty ones.

Fox News Finds Commie Czars On Nobel Committee!

"Yes, 'Commie Czars'!, or, oops, correct that, 'commissars'... How do you pronounce that word? Where's my producer? Who works here now? This can't be right.. 'Obama wins the Nobel'? Okay. Would somebody please check the wire services. This is a joke...Isn't it? Frank,' Commissars' or ' Commie Czars', what am I supposed to be saying here?"

On an open mike, Fox News Announcer (or Correspondent) Carl Cameron was heard to mutter the above today. Yes, the President of the United States was handed the Nobel Peace Prize today, and, yes, Fox News has it on good authority -- none -- that members of the Nobel Prize committee are both communists and pre-soviet totalitarian royalists, the two not being mutually exclusive in the world of Fox News.

Which is more surprising, the enthusiasm for the Obama Presidency on the Nobel Committee, or the certainty it's the work of a conspiracy by America's number one source of cable news?